Depersonalization Disorder and Me

If you read my blog, you know that I am Bipolar and in AA. I also have "depersonalization disorder", possibly connected with PTSD. Like you, I never knew what "depersonalization disorder" was.

It started when I was about 8. I remember being outside at a party with my family, and suddenly was seized with feelings that I was "not real". It scared me so much that I started shaking all over. I had to lie down in the back seat of our car until it was time for the family to go. When I was in 9th grade Spanish Class, I remember getting those same feelings of unreality and had to leave the class and go home. Recently I have gotten this feeling when reading aloud to others. Suddenly I feel as though I am a robot and am watching myself read. I have learned not to panic because I now know what is happening.

What is "depersonalization disorder"?

"Depersonalization is characterized by feelings that the objects of the external environment are changing shape and size, or that people are automated and inhuman, and features detachment as a major defense. This disorder frequently coexists with mood, anxiety, and psychotic disorders.

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Depersonalization is defined as persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached, as if one is an outside observer of one's mental processes or body." from Medscape.

I would put it this way. This disorder is characterized by a weird feeling of being outside myself, observing my behavior from a distance as though watching a movie. Time may seem to slow down, and the world may seem unreal.

I think this is why I have a bad short term memory. I constantly rent DVD's that I have already seen, but don't realize it until part-way into the movie. I have written things on the internet that I don't remember writing. Stuff like that.

In researching this disorder on the internet, I have found conflicting information (surprise!). Some sources say that memory loss is a symptom of depersonalization disorder and some say it's not. All I know is, I have Bipolar disorder, depersonalization disorder, memory loss and possibly a touch of PTSD (from emotional trauma). I also can't concentrate...concentrate...concentrate... (a little humor from "Airplane".)